The Virgin (2013)

forty_year_old_virgin_ver2

Never get involved with someone for the reason of “helping them”. 

When he walked into the club, he stood out. First of all, he was tall. He also had an attractive face and I swear I could feel his European-ness a mile away.

We were in a fifties style club, for a friend’s birthday. He seemed to know all of my friends. Everyone, except for me, which wasn’t a surprise – I pretty much just got back from Panama.

I waited and waited to be introduced. This is my new tactic – relax and let things happen. When I realized I might wait the whole night like this, I reverted to my old technique – make the move. I walked up to my friend and got him to introduce me to the guys, which he did with a sarcastic grin on his face.

Lenard, the chubby shorter guy was the chatty one. Theo was the one I liked. Both were from The Netherlands studying for their masters.

Theo was cute. With dark blue eyes, light brown hair falling in strands over his forehead and a nice built he looked as if he had no trouble getting girls. But when he talked to me, I didn’t sense his interest. His eyes did not gaze into mine with meaning. He seemed detached, completely disinterested and not in the least bit flirty. He talked and talked, but never actually took the time to slow down, smile and really look at me. I figured he really wasn’t interested and I was just wasting my time. So I reverted to my new technique of not giving a damn and excused myself to go to the bathroom. In addition, he was only here for the remaining month and I have been through and over this with similar consequences. Another guy who would leave. Another, whatever it was. I was getting quite sick of it.

I spent the night dancing and fighting the urge to initiate conversation. My new motto was: if someone wants you, they will make it happen. Especially if you already took that extra step. His friend and he never danced. They simply walked around talking to people and when they left, he walked right by me without saying bye.

The next day I noticed that he added me on Facebook and I was slightly surprised. I guess waiting did pay off in the end. When he began chatting to me online,  I figured he must be somewhat interested.

I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days and let’s be honest here. I didn’t really care. I thought he was cute, yes, but was I really attracted to him? He seemed to miss a presence, a spark – something that would really get my heart beating faster.

A few days later, I got a text message out of nowhere asking me if I wanted to grab a drink. I got a bit excited until I realized – his friend was coming too. When we met, I noticed that Lenard was much more engaged in a conversation with me, while Theo never gave me a prolonged stare to show his interest. He talked, surely enough, but there was no extra attention. It didn’t disappoint me as much as add more water to my already melting interest. Also, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I was treated like one of the guys. They had this rule that each person would buy a round of beers for the other two. I thought it was a ridiculous rule, given that I am a girl, but went along with it.symw-beers-joe-via-thebrokenheeldiaries-dot-com

Either way, they were both fun, more so Lenard who was very opinionated and cracked jokes about everything, including his love of sexual innuendos Theo seemed uncomfortable with. But Theo was good-looking and European and I suppose, it made me feel good to walk around with him, as shallow as that sounds.

The next day we met for the Rugby game and after, joined a rooftop party my friends invited me too. They were very surprised to see the Dutch boys there and threw me a couple of inquiring looks. I stayed with Theo the entire evening, slightly interested in him and flirting as much as I could, touching him constantly, but there was no sexual energy between us. Again, he stood out of the crowd, with his big hands moving his unruly hair back every so often, so much that all the girls seemed to drink him up. I felt a sense of pride at this, knowing he really was interested in me. I felt it, though he has made no move up to this point.

By the end of the night, as they walked me back, I really gave up. I have had enough of both of them, inseparable, and Theo who was too chicken to make a move.

And so continued a couple of weeks. He would write to me and invite me out, always accompanied by his best friend. I began to get irritated and bitched to my guy friends about his lack of initiative.

“Maybe he only likes you as a friend?” suggested one of my female friends a little smugly.

“Well why does he keep on inquiring about my day, what I do, where I am?” I almost yelled at her in frustration. I hate it when people turn the problem around and make you sound like you are inventing problems. And they make you feel almost guilty for being so arrogant to assume that someone actually likes you!

My guy friends found this hilarious. I couldn’t care at this point. It was getting ridiculous and I was too old to deal with childish behavior. So, one night when he invited me over to his house to watch “Die Hard”, I told him my perfect Saturday evening did not involve watching an action movie with two guys. Get the point there, mister!die_hard_two_ver2_xlg

But as I was walking down the street the next day, I ran into the Dutch guys by some weird stroke of .. luck? Theo looked me up and down, but let Lenard initiate the conversation for most of the walk. We were going to the same barbecue as it turned out.

It was a freezing August night and I didn’t bring anything to cover myself so as I stood on the street, he offered to “keep me warm”. Keeping me warm consisted of hugging me and awkwardly and tapping my back, as if I was a male buddy and not a girl he was actually interested in.

“Theo” I said “That’s not how you hug a girl!”

“Let me hug you again” he offered awkwardly. I swear to God, good looks can go to waste when someone is that insecure.

This time the hug lasted longer, but just as I began to relax and actually feel he was treating me like a woman, he tapped me again.

ARGH.

Towards the end of the night, we stepped out of the bar. My friend let me borrow her shawl and I put it on to keep me warm for my forty minute walk home. Theo hugged me again, this time with no tapping and I found myself learning into his warm body as he gently caressed my shoulders. Leonard looked us up and down. I suppose we looked really intimate.

I figured Theo would say goodnight and join his inseparable self, but instead he asked me if he could walk me back.

“It’s a thirty minute walk” I said, both challenging and warning him.

“It’s OK” He looked me straight in the eyes uncomfortably.

“You don’t have to” I emphasized. I didn’t actually know if I wanted him to agree or disagree. We have never been one-on-one for longer than ten minutes and this might have gotten awkward as I always felt around him. After seeing he would not give up, I shrugged with a smile. OK, let’s go.

We walked hugging each other all the way back and I think that this physical closeness made it easier for us to be honest.

“So” I asked “What do you think about Dutch girls?”

“How is this related to our conversation about people?”

“Well girls are people. This is merely for anthropological purposes” I added.

He stalled. “I don’t really have much experience with girls.”

As if I couldn’t tell at this point.

“I mean, I know what to do.. I am just too shy about actually doing something” he continued, afraid to look at me.

“I can see that.” I said “You just don’t know how to make a move.”

“The thing is I know what to do. I just don’t know how to get around to doing it. I get nervous”

I looked at him. “Are you nervous right now?”

“Yes” he said looking straight ahead.

I stopped in my tracks and he looked at me questionably. Then I did something I haven’t done since my early twenties, when I thought that making the first move would at least rid of the awkwardness of having to wait for the guy. I leaned in and kissed him. The thing is,  he needed this. This would be the only thing that would make him feel more comfortable and it was long in coming. Poor Theo was not a good kisser. He wasn’t bad, but he was really nervous and that made the kiss unnatural and awkward. I felt like I was kissing a boy and not a twenty-five year old man. His birthday was in a few days. He would be twenty-six. The age when a man has normally experienced a string of dates, one-night stands, relationship(s) and possibly even a threesome.

“That was awful” he admitted after we stopped kissing. I shrugged it off and said “practice makes perfect”. We walked back a little more comfortably and when we were in front of the condo,  I asked him if he wanted to get some water.

He jumped at the opportunity to come up, so we did. Once he got some water in him, I told him he could technically stay but..

He didn’t let me finish the end of that sentence, saying that it was late and he would much prefer that to the hike back.

I offered him the couch, but figured he was harmless and let him sleep on my bed.

Do I look like I would make a move? He confirmed for me and I actually felt sorry for him.

But surprise of all surprises came when he pulled a what I call “Italian” on me and his hands started wandering. I could have stopped him, I know that, but a part of me felt bad. The poor guy needed this. The other part was intrigued. The last one was kind of horny. After all, I was in bed, half naked with a good looking guy. And his kissing was progressing at a fast rate.

“You know” He told me “I really have limited experience. This is as far as I have gone”

I was shocked. I really didn’t know what to say to that. So, I didn’t say anything. I half expected it but to actually hear someone was a virgin at the tender age of almost 26  was unbelievable. The worst is, he was way better looking than Lenard, yet Lenard seemed to have almost a porn star experienced compared to his.

However, I stuck to my rule and did not have sex with him that night. I don’t think he even wanted to. He was still dazed from being in bed with a naked girl. It was amazing to watch his expression as he ran his hands over my body. It was as if he was a sculptor observing a beautiful sculpture he had just molded.

We slept together and the next morning he had to go home, since I was having a barbecue, inviting all of our now collective friends. Had my guy friends found the guy I bitched about in my condo, they would have never let it go.

During the barbecue I ignored him mostly. Being around him was slightly awkward and Lenard with his annoying remarks that got under my skin didn’t help matters. All the winking and giggling made me feel like I was back in high school.

My girlfriends who now saw him for the first time expressed their thumbs up and told me to “go for it.” He was “so cute”! Even when I pointed him out to my brother, he dropped his mouth. I guess I wouldn’t have believed it either. But the reality was, he just wasn’t my guy. Eloquent and confident as he seemed, he lacked fire and sex appeal. So I ignored him until I started to feel bad and then led him onto the balcony and kissed him.

“Just sleep with the guy” offered my brother. “I mean,  it won’t be a big deal for you but it would mean a lifetime for him.” Yes, in reply to your answer. My brother and I talk about everything.

I pondered this thought. Yes, he wasn’t really for me, but I have been with quite a few unworthy guys and here was one who really deserved it. I could change his life. I could be his Stefan (read the German). I have never been anyone’s first.. Not that I have wanted to be. I prefer experienced guys.. but hell. Why not?

I think I was really bored and have not felt anything for a while. It is really sad that I did this for such shallow reasons, because it did not make this ‘thing’ any more memorable.

I suppose a part of me wanted to feel a power that Stefan must have felt when he made me a woman. The other part felt sorry for him. No one should feel inadequate for being a virgin at such an age. Having lost my virginity late in life (two weeks away from my twenty-third birthday) I knew what that felt like. Theo would lose his at twenty-five. I wanted to help him. Hmm, maybe I could also put that on my resume. Teacher/virgin helper.

He stayed over that night and early in the morning, as we woke up and started getting kind of worked up I offered it to him matter of factly. “Soooo.. Theo… you wanna have sex?”

“Um. Yes?” he finally got out. I could have laughed then at how well his serious face concealed the emotion. Ah, good old Northern Europeans!

So we did. It was less awkward than our first kiss and actually not bad at all. Afterwards he took a shower and sat in the living room with his hair wet and an entranced expression on his face. Finally he got up and said he had to go but hoped to see me before his birthday.

He had a week left in Canada.

I guess I was so set on being some perverted form of Mother Theresa that I didn’t bother thinking about the ‘what would happen’. Theo  began to see me as his girl. It was obvious to both of us he was leaving but he was fully set on returning in four months. He didn’t bother me, send me love letters or cry at my doorstep but I felt his need for me.

birthday_cake

Kind of like that. Except I am not blonde

I saw him on the day of his birthday that he was celebrating on the lake shore. I didn’t bring a present. Actually I told him that was his birthday present after sex. I told him no one else would bring such a great one. Not even Leonard.

When he actually paid for my drink and began offering me more, Lenard looked at me in awe and said “You made a Dutch guy un-Dutch.”

All of my friends realized we had a thing going on and made hilarious faces behind Theo’s back. The joke centered around how I made Theo a man. Little did they know how close to the truth they were.

I realized how much Theo changed when on Saturday, who, while we were at a Greek restaurant had walked in wearing a new collared shirt, with his hair freshly washed, smelling of deodorant. There was a Greek festival on the street and everyone was dancing in circles, so he jumped in and began dancing in a circle. When I met him he seemed deadly afraid of dancing and now he was practically turning Greek. When we entered the Latin club, he offered me drink after drink, even though I knew he would normally not do that. In fact, he once mentioned he would never pay for a girl. Then, he asked me teach him salsa and actually turned out to be a great dancer.

Not quite as great

Not quite as professional

When I couldn’t stop laughing at this sudden change, he looked at me and said “You woke me up. You know that, right?” I told him that was probably the most romantic thing anyone has said to me. Seriously. It sounds like a line right out of the movie. I almost answered with “You had me at hello”.

The sex has gotten way better and I quite enjoyed lying next to him as the freezing August weather made it too chilly to go outside. He was so much more relaxed, so much more open and more of a man too. Apparently, having spent lots of time in front of a computer when he was a child, he felt socially awkward for quite a while. I hoped what I did would help him. On the flip side, it could also hurt him and close him off even more. I didn’t want a future with him and he began talking about coming back to stay in Canada indefinitely.

The last night I was at his place, we were watching movies on his couch and I got quite pissed off at him not having bought a bottle of wine. I sat there quietly and he broke the silence, saying he felt really guilty. Then he finally took initiative. He ran out and went to buy a bottle. When he came back, he offered to take me out for Mexican and then he took another one. He paid. (A guy who said he would never pay for a woman. Praise Jesus!)

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The sex didn’t quite look like that either

The last morning he told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to him. I guess it was a sweet thing to say, but I was his first.  Of course I was the best thing that has ever happened in his life. I gave him the gift of SEX.

The last day was very hard for him. Not only was he leaving me, but he was leaving the closeness that we shared and he wasn’t sure he would find it again. After all, it took him years to find me. By that, I mean a woman willing to de-virginize him.  As we kissed goodbye, I could still see him on the other platform – his eyes red. I was upset for him, but I wasn’t emotional. In a way, I was happy to be rid of him.

Theo was a great guy, he would be a good boyfriend and maybe he would definitely make some girl happy. But for me, I need someone with presence, someone with passion, someone who is strong and who knows how to take initiative. I was still on a quest to find him however long that would take and wherever he would be from.

exposedFor now, nothing is better than settling.

PS. I recently ended it with him and he wouldn’t listen when I told him to remember life is full of pain and disappointment, but you have to take risks. For me, I learned that people need to help themselves. Sure, I made him a MAN. But it doesn’t mean I made him happier. And I surely didn’t make myself happier nor more powerful. The only thing that can make me feel is actually FEELING. 

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15 thoughts on “The Virgin (2013)

  1. Aww he seems like such a decent guy. I think he’s just extremely shy and inexperienced. Give him time I’m sure he’ll learn to have initiative and passion, because he’s socially awkward he’s less likely to cheat.

    • He’s a really good guy. He is actually coming back to Canada and keeps on writing to me, but unfortunately I just don’t feel anything. You are right – it’s better to date someone like that, but we all want feelings.. and that’s what attracts us to some not so worthy guys!

  2. Hi Mia,

    I loved reading your article while I’m visiting family in the Netherlands. I think I laughed out loud so many times, my dad kept on giving me weird looks.
    You were spot on, girl! Follow your heart for passion because the Dutch can be more on the tepid side. Cheers!

  3. Amazing blog! Seems like we have a lot in common – especially our love of traveling and love of…foreign men 😉

    I totallhy agree with your quote “For now, nothing is better than settling”.

    Keep up the great writing and safe travels! – xoxo – Ran

  4. Hi Mia,

    I stumbled into your blog as I am seeing a Dutchie and was curious about the experiences of others. Turned out that my Dutchie is gorgeous to look at – but also cold, passive, and clueless about girls. And he’s in his late 30’s, and previously married! I’m now terrified sex with him will be baaaaaaaaaad LOL What is it about Dutch culture? Maybe having dominant women who chase men rather than the other way round really kills off the masculinity and sexiness of the men there.

    • Hi Adeline,
      Yes, that’s kind of the general consensus on the Dutch men, unfortunately. The plus side is that they are usually quite smart and have a good sense of humour. But cold and passive generally doesn’t equal to a good sex partner.. Anyways, if you like the guy, go for it. Doesn’t seem like you really do though.. I’m not sure if it’s because of their passiveness that women chase them or if they are passive BECAUSE women make the first move.. It’s like the chicken and the egg .. I guess it’s type of independent culture same as Scandinavia which promotes equality in gender versus the machista attitude you will see all over South America:) Good luck and let me know how it goes !!

      • Actually, I don’t know which I prefer – gender equality of the machista attitude. Dutch men supposedly make faithful husbands, and they are often so beautiful to look at, and so satisfying to talk to on an intellectual level. But I really don’t like the Dutch culture – friends first, no dating, no dressing up, no gentlemanly manners, no paying for dinner, no romance, no affection, no spontaneity, no excitement. And probably robotic sex. The thought of having one as a boyfriend, nooooooooooooooooo. And the thought of spending 20-30 years married to such a dull guy, noooooooooooooooooo LOL There, I think I have answered my own question. I am going to grow old with 30 cards at the rate I am going 😉

      • Good question. I’ve been struggling with the same one for a while now. For ex. South Americans are generally sexier but recently when I was with one, he expected me to cook etc. And I stayed with him for one week! Not to mention, he went around flirting with other women. Check out the new stories I posted about Argentinians.. On the other hand, someone Dutch just has no spark or excitement.. And yes, paying for a woman is generally considered strange as she is ‘as independent as you are’ so why should YOU be the one to pay..
        I would say we need something in the middle. These are extremes. As you said, you don’t want to be bored and feel like an asexual partner. Yet, trust me, living with a machista guy who only sees you for how you look also wears you down. So, you need someone who is a gentleman, who treats you like a woman and who is passionate. If this guy is not for you and you obviously feel it, why prolong it?

      • Interesting read on the Argentinian. I’ve met a few Latin guys but have never gone beyond harmless flirtation with them. But I can understand how tiring it can be to be in a relationship with one in the long term. On the Dutchie, I’ve just had a talk with him, on how it isn’t working out, and my emotional needs aren’t being met. He told me we are “just friends” and I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. LOL. After all that has happened between us, he tells me THIS. It was like having a bucket of ice water thrown over me. So I walked out. It still hurt though, and I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling for a while.But I know I did the right thing by leaving. And that I WILL recover and meet someone who will treat me better. So that’s the end of my Dutch “love story”. Thank you for listening.

  5. Wow. You definitely did the right thing, Adeline. I mean you felt all along that he was cold, passive and non-romantic, but here he just proved your point. You need someone who would tell you to stay because he needs you/wants you/wants to be with you. You are crying because you are disappointed but I doubt you saw yourself actually having a full blown relationship with someone like that. Thanks for sharing that. I’m sure it hurts now, but you will get over it 100 percent. A true man would never let a woman go just like that and you need a real man, not a wuss and a ‘friend’.

    • Thanks for the support 🙂 I probably expected too much from him in expecting him to romance me. This is alien to Dutch culture. But then again, I’ve dated German and Finnish men who made an effort to be attentive, affectionate, generous and gentlemanly.

      I didn’t mention this earlier, but I’m Asian. The German and Finnish guys were wonderful because they had lived in Asia for a number of years, and they knew the rules of dating in Asia. While this Dutch guy has also lived in Asia for a few years, he is unlike these guys in expecting Asian women to act like Dutch women.when he is dating them.

      At least, I found out early what he is unwilling to do in a relationship. Better to bail now than several years down the line. He is doing me a favour by letting me move on quickly.

      Thank you once again for the support!

      • It seems my Dutch love story didn’t end. The Dutchie never got around to telling me he needs me / wants me/ wants to be with me. Instead, he texted me one day later (he’s overseas on business). And we began another round of repeating the same points in the same arguments, with a lot of additional feet stamping from me ( “You never compromise!” “I make a lot more effort than you do in this relationship!” “Lots of other guys want me and they will treat me better!” “I will leave you!”) and more non committal silence from him. In the end, I pulled out the last trick in my book – I told him he’s one of the smartest guys I know, this was one of the reasons why I find him so sexy (it’s the truth by the way), and we need him to go analyse the situation to come up with a compromise from both sides.

        The next thing I knew, he said he’s ok with taking me on a date, dressing up and paying for dinner. That’s nothing short of a miracle! 🙂 He STILL hasn’t made it clear how he feels about me. But I can tell he cares about me because he’s still around despite my hysterics, and he’s backed down to what I want.

        I’m beginning to understand why he called us friends – not because he doesn’t care about me, but that he takes what he says very seriously. If he ever says he likes me, it would come with commitment. But this probably means saying “I love you” will be a once in a lifetime event never to be repeated. If he said it, he’d mean it for a looong looooooooooong time, if not forever.

        I’m not used to this reticence, but I am touched he’s trying to change himself for me, despite not believing at all in dating or romance. And I really do like him, not just because he’s gorgeous, but also because of the all the interesting intellectual conversations we have.

        From this incident, I have also learnt how to handle the Dutchie better – don’t demand to know how he feels, let his actions speak for him, if there’s a problem, talk about it in a logical rather than emotional way, then shower him with lots of affection (and compliments!), and let him go solve the problem. He’s a stubborn boy with a lot of pride, but he also knows how to be fair.

        It remains to be seen whether we will be together in the end. For the Dutch, they like to take things slow, so they can be sure how they feel. And they need to be won over by you as well. But once he’s yours, he’s yours for keeps. Now, wouldn’t that be really nice? 🙂

      • Well, then the guy really wanted you. It’s funny how culture plays into it.. I mean for him to say something along the words of “we are more than friends” would signify something as grand as a wedding.
        You are very right – most Dutch are stiff when it comes to romance but I think that if he is into you (which it sounds like he is) he will do his outmost to please you. Not sure how far his ‘outmost’ goes but it’s the effort the counts, right?
        Anyways, enjoy the moment and try not to overthink. Spontaneity is the best feeling in the world!

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