Mistake # 1: The Cuban Energizer Bunny (2010)

The most ridiculous one-night stand of mine, as I worked at a resort in Mexico. It’s true what they say about black guys!

The only reason I include The Cuban in my collection is because it really was one of my first mistakes. To prelude, let me say that I was single for a year, after I broke up with my Russian boyfriend. My love life was literally in crumbles.

I was depressed, bored and sick of my lack of love, passion and adventure. So, three days after I turned twenty five, I packed up and went to Mexico to work on a resort as an entertainer. Or an animator, as they called us. I thought, why not? I mean, this was my last year to take off before I would get down to real work and I wanted to try something I would probably never get the chance to do. Plus, I loved speaking Spanish, dancing Latin and performing, so I figured this job would be ideal for me.

Us performing in the distance

It was not. We worked grueling thirteen hour days with only one day off. We also had an evening off, though the bosses seemed to enjoy taking any liberties away from us at any chance they got.

In addition to waking up at 8am and finishing at 11pm (on a good day), we had to succumb to the power trips of our bosses. We actually had three bosses, a real ladder of hierarchy, and each boss really enjoyed pointing out how powerful he was, while at the same time licking another boss’ ass. And they were the horniest bosses I have ever had, though more on that in another story.

Mhmm, lobster

Mhmm, lobster

When I arrived to Mexico, I was white. So white, that my second boss used to announce me as the “girl from Transylvania”. This was before I went to the beach and sat there for hours without any sunscreen. After I came back looking like a cooked lobster, no one called me ‘the white girl’ again. (Do not try this at home)

There were three girls, and four guys in our animation team. All of the guys had perfect bodies and quite a few were players. They would constantly hook up with ditsy American girls, whose names were usually Heather or Meghan, and then proudly narrate the stories to others (sometimes even reading the love letters the girls wrote them).

They got very excited when they realized another girl would be joining their team. One, a Cuban guy whose name was Jay started spending all his time with me. Here was the thing, Jay was black. While I hold absolutely nothing about any race or culture, I was never drawn to black guys. However, I found Jay extremely attractive as I have never found another black guy. He was very cute, had an amazing body that should only be featured in catalogs and danced, well, like a Cuban.

Represent, represent Cuba!

Represent, represent Cuba!

Jay and I become somewhat close, though I am not exactly sure what we talked about as he spoke about thirty percent English and I could not for the life of me understand his Spanish dialect, which is mind numbing even to other Latin people.

That night, we decided to go to a club together. He was on the street, yelling through my window for me to come downstairs. We took a taxi together where he confessed how much he liked me. I laughed the ridiculous idea of the two of us off. At the club, we met up with another group of girls, one of whom was all over Jay, while I was dancing salsa with another guy. After I witnessed their make out session, which did not phase me at all, as I was not planning on having anything with him, he came up to me and told me he would ‘rather go home with me’. Or something along those lines in bad English.

I agreed since I was very tired and Jay gladly agreed to share the taxi with me. In the taxi, once again, he started his confession of passion and then he kissed me. We kissed and kissed until the taxi stopped and we got out in front of our apartment.

At this point, he picked me up and carried me up three floors to his apartment. I am pretty sure I was screaming at him to put me down, but clearly not with enough conviction.

He carried me into his room and I felt I was in some sort of a daze. No, he didn’t drug me or anything like that. I just felt as if this whole thing wasn’t happening to me. He started to remove my clothes and then pointed to the mirror on the side of the wall.

“Look at us. Don’t we look so good together?”

That's the way the cookie crumbles

That’s the way the cookie crumbles

We looked like a giant broken Oreo. Me, with my lack of a tan and him with a hell of a tan. I let go of whatever negative thoughts were circling in my mind. After all, it has been a year since I had sex, and I was curious. Soon, you will realize that curiosity is the one thing that usually leads me to do the most ridiculous things. Especially away from home.

I will never forget the sex. He was huge. Enormous. He was hung like a horse. Yes, I suppose it is true what they say about black guys. And the size wasn’t a good thing either, because I felt like I was revirginized. I mean it hurt like hell. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. But he just kept on going like an Energizer Bunny, convinced he was giving me the time of my life.

When he finished filling me up with ecstasy, I quickly put on my underwear.

“Where ju going, Mia? He asked in his Cuban English.

“Well, it’s late.. and we have to work tomorrow.”

“Stay, with me a little”

I sighed and lay back down. I wanted to forget this whole thing ever happened and by the looks of it, it wasn’t yet over for him. He was still lying naked and though I tried to avert my gaze, that thing really was enormous and all ready for round number two.

“Ju know I really like you” he said.

“Hmm?”

“Jes.. I would like to have you as my girlfriend” he said.

“Oh.. well, it’s complicated. I mean, we work together.. so”

“Jes, but it’s fine. I like you. I would like to have girlfriend.”

“Well, I mean.. now is not a good time, but who knows?”

Seeing as how he was about to advance again, I made an excuse, grabbed my clothes and ran out of his apartment.

“Jay brought a girl back yesterday” Vicente, my third boss, who was sharing an apartment with Jay told me the next day.

“Uh? I guess so” I muttered.

“Know who she is?”

“Hmm? No”

“Probably some slutty girl”

“Haha.. yeah..”

I avoided Jay at all costs and felt embarrassed about the whole thing, but he wouldn’t stop trying. He repeatedly tried to get me alone, to pass me a look and a few times he actually walked into my change room in a towel. He would then kiss me and remove his towel to reveal his huge dingaling. As tempting as he thought this was, I never felt even the slightest desire to have sex with him again. At the end, he got so angry with me he told me that “he wanted to fuck someone, but not me.” Even though it was supposed to hurt me in some way, it just made me realize how truly stupid he was.

At the end I think he was fired for pressing some girl against the wall and scaring her with his giant penis.

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2 thoughts on “Mistake # 1: The Cuban Energizer Bunny (2010)

  1. Hilarious, yet gross! You are a really good writer, I wish you had more exposure online! The only problem is that getting renowned for these activities isn’t really good socially! Boo.

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